Monday, February 20, 2006

An Open Hand

I had a doctors appointment this morning and all is looking fine. The baby's heartbeat is a strong 157 beats per minute and I am measuring right on target for the size of my uterus, so it doesn't look like my girl will be a ten-pounder (thank the heavens). Thanks to those few days (ahem..weeks) of ravenous hunger I managed to pack on a whopping 8 pounds in 5 weeks, but the doc said that I am still in good standing and my total gain is still in the healthy range so I just need to keep on keeping on.
Life's a garden.
Dig it.
She talked to me about the choroid plexus cysts and was very optimistic that I needn't be worried. She has seen many cases of them and the cysts generally disappear around 22 weeks, or even after birth and she sees no reason for concern. She suggested that I go for a follow up ultrasound to check things out in about a month, and I am hoping the cysts will be gone and our baby girl will be fine (and that they don't find a mysterious penis between the legs that they happened to miss on the first ultrasound!). Part of me is a little wary to get completely excited about the thought of having a girl, because it is possible that the weenie was just hiding. It's happened before. I don't want to connect with the baby and think of it as a girl and have a closet full of pink sweater vests waiting for her, only to push out a little boy. It would feel so weird. Of course I will still be thankful for whatever we are given. It's just weird to know what we're having but still have a little bit of doubt.
This whole experience with finding the cysts has brought me to my knees and reminded me that I have absolutely no control over the life inside of me. During the first trimester I was so scared of miscarrying, and for those first three months I was praying continually for the health of our baby. But once I made it past the three months mark I think I got a little cocky. I figured that I could take it from there, and would be fine on my own. Let nature take its course, and what not. But I have once again been reminded that I am not the one knitting this baby together. There is a Master Designer and I am nothing without Him. I have been pleading with him for a healthy child, and have realized my utter dependence on Him not only for the life of our baby, but for every breath that fills my lungs as well. How is it that it's so easy to forget our helplessness?
Pregnancy is a nine month lesson in trust and vulnerability.
And from what I can imagine, motherhood is a life-long lesson in both.
And so it begins...

Amanda Brown at 3:43 PM



at 4:39 PM Blogger Angella said...

Beautifully said, Amanada. We serve the Almighty, who has knit Baby Brown from the beginning & holds her in the palm of His hand :)

at 5:14 PM Blogger Jen said...

Very wise words Amanda. You are going to be a great mom to your baby, boy or girl! ;)

at 6:21 PM Blogger Stephanie said...

I love the way you wrote that. So true in so many areas of life. Trust- so much easier said than done but we'll forever keep on learning, just like you said.

at 7:06 PM Blogger wandi said...

My mom and dad said that they pretty much raised us kids on their knees. I believe that starts right from the womb. God bless you and Steve and your precious little girl. She's going to be beautiful, and she is going to be yours.

at 8:22 AM Blogger April said...

Yes, and so it begins. Since making it past the 13 week mark I too have let up on my prayers. I think though that my prayers were so much out of fear before that now I can relax & actually enjoy this pregnancy a little more. Now my fears & prayers are more like - What have I done?! What am I going to do with a baby? With a toddler? With a teenager? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh! The fears still creep in about the health of our child but either way - healthy or not - i want this one! Whatever the Lord gives, I'll be thankful!


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