Monday, February 27, 2006

Got My Fix

Today I got to hold a three month-old baby girl all morning. One of the ladies who volunteers at the church counting the weekly offering is also a nanny and had to bring her little charge with her. She asked if I could watch her for a while so she could get the money counting done without distraction and I gladly obliged. The baby's name was Mackenzie and she had these huge blue eyes and a big gummy smile and she was wearing a soft, pink onesie. I got to hold her and rock her and play with her for an hour. Needless to say, not much work got done on my end, but it was so nice to just share my morning with such a well-behaved little darling. She didn't cry once! Seeing a perfect, healthy little girl in my arms made me yearn for the day when I'll meet my own.
Sadly, part of the joy that comes with the anticipation of meeting our baby is somewhat overshadowed with the fear that lurks in the back of mind that something is terribly wrong with her. I have been feeling much more peaceful about whatever comes, but there's still this lingering notion that our baby will be stillborn or die shortly after birth or have severe problems. I haven't been obssessing and worrying about it, and I feel like I've let it go as best I can, but part of me is still scared.
And I feel a little cheated that I can't be as thrilled about this pregnancy as I was before we found out about the cysts.
Am I still glad we got the ultrasound done?
Yes.
It was so amazing to see our little girl moving around in the womb; I feel as though I am more connected to her now that I have laid eyes on her. But finding out there is a chance, even though it's a remotely miniscule one, that our baby's health could be compromised, is really scary.
Anyways, no point dwelling on it.
I had a really nice weekend with Steve. We watched eight episodes of Lost in two days and they were all great. I begged Steve to let me order a pizza from Pizza Hut on Friday night and he thought it wise to not deny the pregnant lady her heart's desire. It was delish!
Ta-ta for now.

Amanda Brown at 11:11 AM

5comments

5 Comments

at 11:29 AM Blogger Jen said...

What a great way to spend an hour!

 
at 11:29 AM Blogger christy said...

It's even better when it's your own! Just wait and see.

 
at 11:52 AM Blogger Angella said...

Your heart will explode. Get the cleaning supplies ready :)

 
at 2:30 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous Mom and Dad are lurking from Aunt Gerry's house today. You and your nameless baby are always in our prayers and in the hands of Jesus (to quote a noted biblical scholar from Kenosee Lake. I won't say not to worry, because love and concern are part of the deal with being a parent. But don't try to carry the burden alone. We love you immensely, and the Lord will see you through this time of your life. Your experience may be unlike anyone else's, but it will be the one God has designed for you. Have a great day, and we'll talk to you soon.

Love,

Dad

 
at 5:43 PM Blogger Kaili said...

Amanda,
Your Dad is so sweet, that was so nice what he said. :)
I am so jealous of your baby cuddles today. Lately I have been feeling the deep yearning for cuddling with a newborn. I don't think I've gone this long without a fix (meaning my Doula and Nannying work). :)

 

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