Thursday, March 09, 2006

Familiar Territory

Lately I have been feeling kind of blah.
I was doing some thinking and trying to isolate what it is that's creating this general sense of malaise, and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of what I am feeling is very similar to what I felt years ago when I started going through puberty.
My entrance into womanhood is one I made with little grace. I awkwardly stumbled into the land of bras, maxi pads, and oily skin, yearning to leave. I did not feel comfortable in my own body anymore.
I hated shopping for my first bra. My mom took me to a department store and threw me into a change room to try on countless training bras. Alone, I stood staring at my strange new body and feeling a disdain for the changes I saw. Then mom knocked on the door and asked, "Can I see how the bra fits?"
"NO! No you cannot!" I hissed.
I didn't like what I saw in the mirror.
Maybe it was the rush of preteen hormones that made me moody and full of angst over my budding breasts and the fact that getting your period was indeed quite a disgusting endeavor and how my already thick frame was spreading even more in my hips. More than that, though, I think it was the sense the I was being forced into a new land, a new phase of life. One that I hadn't chosen myself.
I have been experiencing some of these similar emotions since my pregnancy has begun. Of course I am thrilled about the baby who is growing inside of me and I am looking forward to the changes that life will bring in the next few months.
But sometimes when I look in the mirror and see a body that no longer belongs to just me, I feel like that 13 year-old in a change room in the lingerie department of a dimly lit department store.

Amanda Brown at 10:35 AM



at 11:11 AM Blogger KehlerGirl said...

It's a strange but wonderful feeling to have your body taken over like that. I remember near the end of my pregnancies just longing to have my body back to myself again. Now that I do though, I kinda miss the tiny movements I felt inside me. (and not having to deal with the back talking and crying) Ha Ha. Enjoy it Amanda. It's something VERY special...just for us women!

at 11:28 AM Blogger Jen said...

I agree with Kehler girl. Once you aren't pregnant, you miss it. It is such a weird time though. All these changes in just 9 short months! The outcome is amazing though. :)

at 12:44 PM Blogger Angella said...

It's DEFINITELY worth it in the end...and once you start feeling constant movement all the time, you will sit in wonder at the little "alien" in your belly :)

at 1:11 PM Blogger me said...

Hellloooo...just a fellow blogger snooping --your life looks so fun and gracious and love the dog!
Congrats on being pregnant and feel free to swing my crazy Chicago life..that's not so fun and not so gracious :)~

at 2:14 PM Blogger Will said...

Girl talk...icky.

I'm kidding of course and while I can't completely relate I think I know what you mean.

at 4:02 PM Anonymous Julie said...

It's so hard feeling like you're in even less controll of your body - your baby is just borrowing it for now, but dont worry, you'll get it back!!

I'm sure once I stop breastfeeding, I'll miss the feeling of being pregnant...for now I'm still property of my baby.


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